The rational mind says that there is no one else to blame but myself, but the emotional and impatient child within me wants to blame everyone and everything else.

Deep inside, I want to help everybody but then I over commit myself. I always get run over, and I’m always the last to benefit from the hard work I put in. I believe this could be the root of my complaicency and procrastination; why try when there is no self benefit or reward?

I am always examining how to better myself yet what I want will cause me much damage; there is much fear inside me when I thought there were none. Ultimately, I feel alone alot of the time. There is a need, I think, for me to be wanted, needed and essentially loved but life has not dealt me those cards. A combination of fear and ugliness (both inside and out) has resulted in this.

I am very good at pushing people away, but I’ll talk about that another time….